June 21, 1991
It has been many years since I have written in a journal, but i feel a renewed sense of its importance because of events that have happened to me and my family. These events are of such significance that I feel they must be recorded, for they have changed my life forever.
On Saturday, June 15, 1991, we were involved in a terrible car accident. We were on our way to Swan Valley, ID for a family reunion. We had decided to go to my sister, Dixie's home in Blackfoot and stay the night on Saturday, and then go on to the reunion the next day.
We had loaded our suitcases, sleeping bags, and a large cooler in the back of our station wagon. Tracie (8) decided she wanted to ride in the back too. Adam (7) sat between the twins Brad and Ben (1) in the middle seat and Derek (4) was sitting between Dean and I in the front seat. Dean had been camping the night before with Adam and Derek for the father and son outing, and was feeling tired, so he asked me to drive about Brigham city. All the children were sleepy too and it wasn't long before everyone was sound asleep.
Not long after we passed Malad, I felt myself getting drowsy. But I made a conscious effort to keep looking around so that I would stay awake. the next thing I remember was waking up on the shoulder of the freeway; the dust making it near impossible to see. I turned sharply to the right to get back on the road and Dean woke up about that time. Of course, he panicked and seeing our situation and grabbed the wheel and turned it even sharper to the right. I in trying to get him to let go, turned the wheel in the opposite direction, and then he again to the right. It was at that point that the car began to roll. I felt myself, still clinging to the steering wheel, hit the ceiling of the car with my shoulder and then we were upright once again.
I sat there for a moment, not believing what had just happened. It had all happened so fast. I had set the cruise control on 70 mph and the whole incident happened in just a matter of seconds. Someone, who had been in a car behind me, opened the door and asked if we were all right. The children has started to cry a little by then and Dean had already begun to get them out. He pulled the twins special blankets out from under the car and gave them to the twins for comfort. The older ones sat on a blanket next to the car, crying quietly, miraculously uninjured. I want to go to then, but the people who stopped to help kept telling me to sit down. there was blood coming from my little finger and it had dripped onto my clothes and onto the car door. No one knew at first where it was coming from. That little cut was only 1/8 inch long, and besides bruising my shoulder was the only injury any of us received. I was struggling also, to find my glasses; frantically searching on the seat and floor of the car, so I would be able to see to get to the children. A passerby finally found them several yards away from the car in the gravel. Apparently they had been thrown out of the car through the shattered window on the passengers side.
Many people stopped, asking us if they could help take us somewhere, and talking amongst themselves as to who had room for this or that. I was very impressed by the compassion and concern expressed by these strangers. They held the twins and comforted the other children and Dean and I. One lady had a little puppy and Ben was quite fascinated by it.
Finally they allowed me to get up and go to the children. I hugged each on, crying and telling them how sorry i was. one mane approached me then. He said, "Were you the driver?, You're LDS aren't you?, Would you like a blessing?" I said I was alright, and amazingly there was a calm over us all. We were badly shaken, but there was no hysteria or shock with any of us. I was touched by this man's concern. His wife was equally comforting to the kids and I I remember her hugging me tight when I was crying that I could have killed my whole family and her saying "But you didn't, everyone is fine, you're very blessed. What a special family you have and what beautiful children." Everyone at the scene, the bystanders, the police, and ambulance drivers, were walking around, shaking their heads in disbelief that 7 people could walk away from an accident such as this without serious injury or death.
As we walked around the car, we realized the miracle that had just occurred. The front window, where Dean and Derek were, was totally shattered. The top of the car was buckled up and the corner of the car crushed. Had they not been searing their seat belts, I don't see how they could have possibly escaped death. The back window was totally shattered. Tracie was not in a seat belt and I know that there is no earthly reason that she was not thrown from the car through that window. Adam was not wearing his seat belt and although Ben was strapped in his car seat, his car seat was not fastened to the car. His car seat ended up on top of Adam, but the only injuries each received was a bump on the head where they collided together.
The couple who was LDS offered to take us to Pocatello. We were about 40 miles from Pocatello near McCammon. Dean had called his sister Ella from McCammon to ask if we could come to their home in Pocatello until we decided what we wanted to do.
On the way there we learned that this couple had been returning home to the Salt Lake City area from Shelley, ID where they had been visiting relatives, when they saw the accident. He is the Bishop of a ward there. Ben kept calling him Grandpa, and I said to Ben, "I'll bet he is a Grandpa to someone. " But his wife said "No, our married children haven't blessed us with grandchildren yet." I replied, "Well, he is a Grandpa today."
As they helped us unload some of our things from their car at Ella's, they continued to express their concern for us and for our family. He gave us his name and asked if we would please let them know how everything turned out. We had told him at one point that we would like to send he and his wife something in return for helping us. But he said, "No, this is service." How blessed we were to have such kind and caring people close to us at that time. People who were willing to change their plans in order to help us.
Aaron and Ella where very comforting. When we walked in the door, Dean said, "I feel that we need to say a prayer." But Dean was to shaken to offer the prayer. Aaron gave a beautiful prayer asking for Our Heavenly Father's blessing of comfort for our family and thanking him for our safety.
Sander, Dixie's husband came and got us and took us to Blackfoot, where we spent the night. Dixie met us at the car and asked how we all were I told here we were a little stiff and sore to which she replied, "Well you could be a lot stiffer." It felt good to laugh a little at that point. Sander had told us that Dixie had felt that they should say a special prayer as soon as they heard about the accident. I know that those prayers offered, along with the prayers of our family at home, were answered, for we truly felt the comfort of Our Heavenly Father.
Sander felt that we should be thoroughly examined at the hospital in Blackfoot. by that time my shoulder was really bothering me and Dean was having pain in his lower back. the x-rays of my shoulder revealed that there were no broken bones and Dean's x-ray's were negative also. Although when he took down his pants for the x-ray's, several small pieces of glass fell out and he decided that was causing his discomfort.
Aaron and Ella drove up to the reunion that night to tell Dean's folks about Darwin's new baby. He was having some serious lung problems an Darwin wanted them to come to California to be with them. Aaron told the other family members at the reunion what had happened to us, but waited to tell Dean's parents until they were in the car and on their way back to Pocatello. They stopped by Dixie's about 2:30 am to make sure we were all okay. Nancy, Dean's sister, told us after that when the kids cousins heard about what had happened, they all knelt together (on their own) to say a special prayer for us. This was very touching to me. Kristi, Dean's sister-in-law told us that one of Dean's uncles had commented that the very hands of God must have been on our car to keep us inside as it rolled and what a miracle it was that we had been spared.
The next day, Sander took us to Malad, where we met Mom and Dad and Jane, who drove us home. it was a great relief to be home and to sit down in familiar surroundings and take stock again of the blessings we received. We hugged and hugged each other. The kids couldn't walk by without us reaching out to touch them in amazement. Mom and Jane fixed a nice dinner for us. the last 24 hours had been hard on them to. I had asked one of the EMT's who helped us at McCammon to call Jane's husband, Brent, who happened to be visiting his folks there and tell him what had happened and ask him to let family know. I know they were very worried about us and that their many prayers were answered.
Many members of our ward, and friends and neighbors called or came by that Sunday to express their concern for us and their gratitude for the miracle that had spared our family. I appreciated knowing of their concern for our family.
On Monday Dean went to work and I started back with day care. Several friends had offered to tend the children I usually tend, but I felt like I needed to get back into routine. After thinking of nothing but the accident for two days I felt like my mind needed a rest and that keeping busy was the answer. I wasn't able to stop thinking about it though, but through my pondering on the events of the day, I feel the Spirit of Our Heavenly Father caused thoughts to come to my mind: thoughts that brought great peace and comfort to me. I truly feel that i was being fed by the spirit as I was taught the most valuable precious lesson of my life.
First, I had been feeling rather depressed about my life. It seemed as thought my life was a repeat of the one before. The tedium of caring for my family left me feeling mentally discouraged and exhausted. In fact, just a month ago I had written to a friend in Boise and I made a comment to her in my letter that I wondered when motherhood was going to be fun. Now I'm seeing the joys in motherhood, instead of the work. Service to my family seems less like a burden and more of a calling and privilege. I have an acute sense now of the miracle of their lives and realize that their every breath, and even my own is a gift from God.
The morning after we got home, Ben hollered from his crib in Tracie's room that he was ready to get up. So I picked him up and hugged and kissed him and said, "Good morning, Ben," with a new felt cheerfulness. He looked at Tracie and said "Tracie-up." I said, "oh let's let Tracie sleep a little longer." Tracie came out a few minutes later and looked at me as if she were looking at a stranger and said, "Gee Mom, you sure are in a good mood." I didn't realize how my discouragement had affected my attitude toward my children. I feel so much regret now for those feelings and for the unhappiness I must have projected to them, thinking I was hiding it. But with the renewed strenght and insight which I have found because of this accident, I will be a better mother from now on.
The most wonderful blessing that has resulted from this experience is my new understanding of Our Heavenly Father.
In the course of my life, I had adopted the idea because of various experiences, that Our Heavenly father was always there to comfort us in whatever trials that would come our way, but I felt He had no direct part in our lives; that the good times as well as the bad happened by chance- a mere result of our interactions with one another as imperfect human beings. I had asked for strenght and comfort in my life on many occasions and had received it, but I felt that it was inappropriate, if not impossible for me to expect anything else. In my own attempt to answer questions like-"Why can she have children, and I can't? Why does one person die from the same disease that another is miraculously healed? Why do some babies mysteriously die, while others miraculously live? Why do bad things happen to good people?", I had made God less than God. I realize now how foolish it was for me, with my imperfect mind, to try and comprehend a being such as the Lord God Almighty. I feel so ashamed now, that i ever tried to bring God down to my own level of imperfect understanding.
Other thoughts came to my mind; the words of Dean's uncle, "The Lord's very hands must have kept that family inside that car," I had told people we were lucky, then realized that no one is that lucky. I know that God was there with us. I know now that His presence is constantly wit those who try to do His will. I know that He knows each of us with a depth of understanding that we could never comprehend. I know that he knows every joy and ache of our hearts. I know He knows our very mind and soul better than we do our own. I know he has a plan for each of us as individual as we are individuals; that His own hand full fills the destiny he has set for us. I still don't know the answer to those questions. I don't need to know. I don't know God's plan or the purpose for which He causes some things to happen in our lives, by His own hand. But I know His will will always be done. I don't know why our family was spared. To say we a were blessed somehow implies that we were more worthy. I realize now, through the teachings of his of His tender Spirit that the blessing that has come is not that we were spared, but that our attitudes have changed. I feel so different inside; so much closer to Him, knowing now that He is closer to me than I ever believed. I know, too, that there are no tragedies when lives and attitudes are changed for the better. I love Him and trust Him in His infinite power and wisdom that His will will always be done. What a burden has been lifted from my shoulders and what peace has come to my soul with this new found knowledge that God is in control here, and that no matter what happens, in the end it will be good and right.
I pray that I might live according to His divine Gospel; that I may be worthy of His guidance and inspiration. I pray that I may have His spirit with me as I strive to teach my children of his Glory and magnificence and of His ever present and unconditional love for each of them as personal....even if they had been the only child on earth. A love that can fill them to bursting if they will only recognize and accept it.
I have felt his hands in my life. I praise Him and thank Him for this experience. for without it I may never have know the great blessing of His very presence in my life. I pray that my life may reflect my love for Him.
In the name of Jesus Christ
Amen
*Journal entry of Donna Tolman June 1991*
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